It's 8:30 and I'm sitting here with a glass of wine warm in my tummy and the accordion next to me warm from practice ("The Music of the Night" still is imperfect... How can I practice so much and still not have a clean performance? Sheesh).
A few days ago, I came to work to find a thank-you note and a lovely gift on my desk. It was from a colleague who was thanking me for photographing his surprise baby shower. He said something to the effect of, "you have a gift." I thought he meant, "Here's a gift," but I realized he was talking about my photography.
Here's the deal. I love taking pictures, and I love finding ways I can tell stories with photos. So if I'm photographing an event, I look for little details that tell the story of the event. I like finding different angles. I love taking candid shots and trying to show what happened as it was happening.
...And I have no idea what I'm doing.
F stop, aperture, exposure... no clue. I take aim, I shoot, I hope it comes out, and move on.
I've become the defacto photographer in my department, and that's just fine with me. Everyone tells me I'm very good at photography, and I wave them away every single time with, "I have no idea what I'm doing." I get embarrassed. I discount what I do. One of my coworkers actually offered me money to photograph her new baby (not born yet). I was horrified! How could someone trust me - a hack - with such an important job? (I told her I'd be happy to, but I'd be damned if I was going to accept money).
...But what if they're right? What if I'm actually good at something and I'm waving it away? What if I disown a good part of me? What a huge waste. And really, how embarrassing for the person who has put herself on the line to compliment me only be waved away with essentially, "You have no idea what you're talking about." How completely ungracious.
Sometimes you need to recognize that just because you feel like you're not "the best" at something or "untrained" or "clueless" or whatever doesn't mean what you do - what you contribute - isn't valuable and appreciated. I can learn more about photography, surely. I can learn about aperture and all that other stuff and in the meantime keep taking photos in my own hack way.
I'm pretty sure my photographs won't be hanging on the wall of a museum any time soon.
But I'll bet my photos of that yet-to-be-born baby will be framed and enjoyed for a long time to come.
To be honest, I feel that way with my job. I'm a writer, yeah? Funny how that whole grammar and spelling thing is a bit foreign to me. I don't remember half the rules I should and I can't survive 10 minutes without FireFox's spell check...but it's what I do and what I love. And I think it's what I'm good at, too.
Keep on taking pictures, missy. You do have a gift.
Posted by: Cate | April 21, 2008 at 06:47 AM